Preface
A few weeks ago I had a really good conversation with some (female) friends about (boys). The amazing thing about teenage girls is that they have such a overwhelming, incomprehensible wealth of never ending lust. Teen girl thirst, curiously, is never accurately portrayed in media. For a force that is so strong, so powerful, that a mustard seed's worth of pure, unadulterated thirst could move mountains, few people seem to get it right. In movies, thirsty teen girls seem to be pining for soft kisses, and dramatic reenactments of Nicholas Spark novels. In my experience, however, romantically inclined adolescents seem to reflect the more risque musings a la "Touch My Body" by Mariah Carey. Their ideal reenactments are not ones of PG rated films, but perhaps movies of a more mature nature.
"I want him to fuck me in the ass until I believe in god"
-Anonymous, 19
So it seems like movies aren't doing a such a good job of presenting teen girl sexuality in terms of actual teen girl sexuality. This isn't surprising, as mass media often fails to present anything about teenage girls with any resemblance to actual human teenage girls.
"my bagina is gona explod"
-Anonymous, 17
Life isn't a John Hughes movie. I understand. I don't want Ferris to pretend to be my father and make out with me in front of my sketchy ass principal (yes I do). But I know that this thirsty life grants few reliefs. Those who follow The Call of The Thirst, often follow a lonely, desolate path. They sing the song of the confused, the hungry, and the hormonal. "Me So Horny" soon bears emotional attachment, the equivalent of "Asleep" by The Smiths in terms of how bitter, yet familiar, that pain is. The pain of thirst is not unlike the hot, lustful burn of molten pizza cheese to the roof of your mouth. A pain that, theoretically, could have been prevented, but here you are suffering. You could have focused on school or gave back to the world or helped some old person who was having heart problems while crossing the street or some other useless shit. But instead you spent 2 hours going through a well curated "zayn-malik" tag on tumblr. You could have waited for that shitty slice of satanic pizza to cool, but you shoved it in your mouth like the uneducated, insolent, baboon woman you are.
""IK OMFG [the thirst] ITS WAY TOO REAL. I THINK IT WILL EVENTUALLY KILL ME"
- Anonymous, 17
And so, I present a Field Guide to Thirst.
A Thirst You Can Admire
Qualifications
A solid, unattainable goal. Someone you'll probably never meet, and if you do, its probably for a few seconds. This kind of horniness works as, what I like to call, a Dessert Thirst. It's a nice supplement to the more substantial thirsts. A Thirst You Can Admire won't really hurt you because you know that its unattainable. So instead of viewing that person as an object of the pungent desire of your loins, you view them like a nice painting. A famous, widely admired, god-like painting. In fact they're so beautiful that a grainy, dark photo of them should probably be placed in MoMA. In every picture frame. Of every floor. Also your room should be wallpapered with 8x10 images of their face. Also you should have toilet paper with there chiseled, Adonis-like features printed on that plush two ply cotton. Because maybe then it will be easier to imagine that they're finally touching you.
A solid, unattainable goal. Someone you'll probably never meet, and if you do, its probably for a few seconds. This kind of horniness works as, what I like to call, a Dessert Thirst. It's a nice supplement to the more substantial thirsts. A Thirst You Can Admire won't really hurt you because you know that its unattainable. So instead of viewing that person as an object of the pungent desire of your loins, you view them like a nice painting. A famous, widely admired, god-like painting. In fact they're so beautiful that a grainy, dark photo of them should probably be placed in MoMA. In every picture frame. Of every floor. Also your room should be wallpapered with 8x10 images of their face. Also you should have toilet paper with there chiseled, Adonis-like features printed on that plush two ply cotton. Because maybe then it will be easier to imagine that they're finally touching you.
Examples:
Symptoms
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You don't really want to. I know you don't. After a long days work, you like to kick back and psychotically read every minute detail of the "Personal Life" section of their Wikipedia page. Loser.
A Thirst That You Can Touch (But Unfortunately Not in that Way)
Qualifications
Perhaps the hardest type of thirst to suffer through. This thirst is real. A little too real. Because instead of seeing someone as a glorified painting, you see them IN REAL LIFE. REAL LIFE THIRST. Or, a crush. I guess that's what you would call it if this was like, the 1990's or something. But this isn't an episode of Lizzy McGuire (somewhat regrettably) and we aren't here to trivialize the pining lust you feel clogging your arteries. This is the thirst you can touch, i.e bumping into them by accident in a hallway. Real shoulder to shoulder contact. If you are suffering from A Thirst That You Can Touch, you may or may not be in the middle of constructing your own mating call, one that your sure will attract this otherwordly beauty, because nothing else seems to be working. Why don't they want to have sex with you? You would totally have sex with yourself. Listen to me, it won't work. Instead, I would direct your efforts to perfecting your own survival screech, because this thirst will probably kill you.
Perhaps the hardest type of thirst to suffer through. This thirst is real. A little too real. Because instead of seeing someone as a glorified painting, you see them IN REAL LIFE. REAL LIFE THIRST. Or, a crush. I guess that's what you would call it if this was like, the 1990's or something. But this isn't an episode of Lizzy McGuire (somewhat regrettably) and we aren't here to trivialize the pining lust you feel clogging your arteries. This is the thirst you can touch, i.e bumping into them by accident in a hallway. Real shoulder to shoulder contact. If you are suffering from A Thirst That You Can Touch, you may or may not be in the middle of constructing your own mating call, one that your sure will attract this otherwordly beauty, because nothing else seems to be working. Why don't they want to have sex with you? You would totally have sex with yourself. Listen to me, it won't work. Instead, I would direct your efforts to perfecting your own survival screech, because this thirst will probably kill you.
Examples
My mirror
My mirror
Symptoms
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Burn yourself at the stake.
A Casual Thirst
Qualifications
Wintertime winds blow cold the season
Fallen in love, I'm hopin' to be
Wind is so cold, is that the reason?
Keeping you warm, your hands touching me
The Doors knew that when it gets cold outside, you kind of wish it was warm in your pants.
A Casual Thirst is the classic tale of having nothing better to do, so you become moderately attracted to the first moderately good looking person who talks to you about food moderation. It's alright. Pretty boring. I find that I tend to hate the people I causually thirst for. Like, I'll change the routes I take to class in order to pass them in the hall, but I pass them in the hall just so I can think about how much I hate them.
Wintertime winds blow cold the season
Fallen in love, I'm hopin' to be
Wind is so cold, is that the reason?
Keeping you warm, your hands touching me
The Doors knew that when it gets cold outside, you kind of wish it was warm in your pants.
A Casual Thirst is the classic tale of having nothing better to do, so you become moderately attracted to the first moderately good looking person who talks to you about food moderation. It's alright. Pretty boring. I find that I tend to hate the people I causually thirst for. Like, I'll change the routes I take to class in order to pass them in the hall, but I pass them in the hall just so I can think about how much I hate them.
Examples
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| Boring but necessary |
Symptoms:
How to Treat
You can get over this one. I know you can. Even you know you can. Your just choosing not to. Go to their facebook page and scroll for about 45 seconds and I guarantee you will find something that makes you feel waves of shame for liking them.
Survival Thirst
Qualifications
The Last Stand. The Last Frontier. The Gates of Hell. Air Bud. Sometimes you just are so fucking bored with your fucking useless life that you just have to get emotionally attached to someone or else you will disappear into nothingness and die. For a more in depth analysis, go to the Wikipedia page for a barnacle and that is more or less the mindset of someone entering Survival Thirst. It's not that you wanna get with whichever poor soul you chose to be the object of your desire, it's not even that you even like them as a person. The most important factor is that they have a face. Now that you think about it, that's really all you ever saw in them. Their face. Not saying it was a particularly good face, but rather, it was literally a face. You liked them because they possessed features that vaguely resembled a human. Vaguely? Maybe it was a primate. Who knows. Does it truly matter at this point? You've past the point of listening to OK Computer, so nothing can save you now. If you find yourself resorting to Survival Thirst to calm you insatiable, ever growing need for speed, you should only be listing to "The Sound of Silence" because if you opened your eyes you would find yourself completely immersed in a cold, unforgiving darkness.
The Last Stand. The Last Frontier. The Gates of Hell. Air Bud. Sometimes you just are so fucking bored with your fucking useless life that you just have to get emotionally attached to someone or else you will disappear into nothingness and die. For a more in depth analysis, go to the Wikipedia page for a barnacle and that is more or less the mindset of someone entering Survival Thirst. It's not that you wanna get with whichever poor soul you chose to be the object of your desire, it's not even that you even like them as a person. The most important factor is that they have a face. Now that you think about it, that's really all you ever saw in them. Their face. Not saying it was a particularly good face, but rather, it was literally a face. You liked them because they possessed features that vaguely resembled a human. Vaguely? Maybe it was a primate. Who knows. Does it truly matter at this point? You've past the point of listening to OK Computer, so nothing can save you now. If you find yourself resorting to Survival Thirst to calm you insatiable, ever growing need for speed, you should only be listing to "The Sound of Silence" because if you opened your eyes you would find yourself completely immersed in a cold, unforgiving darkness.
Symptoms
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| Dont look at me. |
How to Treat
Resort to A Thirst You Can Admire
An Extreme Thirst
Qualifications
I don't know how to accurately describe the searing, aching, pain of an Extreme Thirst. This is delusions-in-the-Sahara level thirst. The range of emotions felt during an Extreme thirst is vast and unforgiving. Ranging from impassive, stony hatred, to a level of infatuation where your pretty sure you would love them even if they turned out to be a serial killer (shout out to Christan Bale in American Psycho. I think I missed the point of that movie). Even if you are an emotionless scumbag/android/toaster hybrid, the Extreme Thirst will make you feel every known emotion in the human spectrum. It's the type of person that makes you say "I would make out in my parents bedroom with them". Who would make out in their parents bedroom with ANYONE?? The Extreme Thirst will drive you to extreme measures. The thirst is as wide and expansive as the great Pacific Ocean, but that pussy as dry as Death Valley. No, dryer. Didn't Death Valley get rain this year? Your vajayna (pronounced: va-hay-nah) is drier than a place called Death Valley. What kind of shame does that bring on your gentiles? What do you call them then? I was fine with calling my lady-parts the Penis Fly Trap but that doesn't seem to be accurate anymore. I guess my vagina can now be referred to as Death Valley and the driest place in North America can be called Penis Fly Trap. Does this explain Extreme Thirst? Nah. Because Extreme Thirst can't really be explained, it can only be felt. I think it's one of the Seven Deadly Sins. Whatever, I already have a vagina called Death Valley so it's not like I was doing so good anyway.
Examples
Don't talk to me about this I will cry
Symptoms
How to Treat:
Those Who Follow The Call of The Thirst, Must Seek No Salvation
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